The injections were easy enough, I had to get up 15 minutes earlier each morning but deep down that’s a small sacrifice. I felt unwell for some of the time but something that eventually proved to be money well spent was the acupuncture. I was very skeptical. What would sticking more needles into my body really achieve? One day I went to the specialist and explained that I had had a headache for around three days and it was gradually getting worse. I have always suffered with headaches, some from hormones some because of rhinitis. I told my acupuncturist because she barely spoke English and I felt really comfortable with her because all she would do each time I spoke was smile and nod so sometimes the sessions gave me a sounding board to speak about my ailments and not worry about what the person thought. She did her job of sticking needles, none near my head, and all in similar places to previous sessions. But three months on and I’ve not suffered with a headache since! The headache left that afternoon and never came back. So that’s one amazing thing to have discovered on this journey.
The IVF carried on through the protocol, appointments were met, drugs were injected, and scans informed us of progress. It came closer to the day of extraction and it became really exciting. We have 6 eggs, we have 10 eggs and before the extraction we were told we had 12 eggs. How wonderful to have that many possibilities. The more eggs we have extracted the more likely it was that we would have a good embryo for transfer and maybe more than one to freeze one. Just before extraction day I continued to go to work, and although it felt like I was carrying tennis balls in my uterus I smiled and worked as hard as I always did. Finding a hot water bottle in Singapore was impossible. All I wanted was a warm bath and a hot water bottle to ease the pain but neither was possible. But my husband is a genius and he put hot water into a plastic bottle wrapped it in a towel and it bought some light relief to something so uncomfortable.
The day of the extraction came and we were extremely fortunate 27 eggs were extracted. 20 were fertilized and as we had phone calls of their progress we were excited by the prospect of this wonderful news. We ended up with 6 frozen blastocycts. They all went to 5 day blastocysts which is very fortunate. The next hurdle came when I developed something called Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS). What a kick in the teeth that was. Just after I had got through the injections, and the swollen tennis ball ovaries I now had punctured ovaries that were filling with fluid and swelling my body up. Walking was difficult, sleeping was hard and finally I gave in and I had to take time off work! Yes I lowered that flag and I was bedbound for over a week. But my husband and I controlled the symptoms and I was well enough to have a fresh embryo transfer. When you have OHSS many doctors cancel the transfer as it can make the symptoms worse. But he was pleased with my progress and we did the transfer. However the symptoms worsened and he deemed me unfit to fly so I had to wait until things got better before flying home for the summer holidays Another week in bed and having protein every four hours and drinking lots of water and taking short walks I controlled it and was able to fly home.
In the UK I was occupied with my gorgeous family, nephews and nieces that made me laugh and smile. Singing Frozen every day with my niece and seeing her enjoy dancing. Taking my nephew swimming and seeing him work hard at something that I taught him years ago. It was a great way to spend my two week wait but I also had some wonderful advice from a colleague at work who had been through a successful round of IVF I explained to her that I found it hard to stay positive and she said to me that I can cope with miscarriage, I’ve been through heartache and hurt so dealing with it again will be OK because I know I can do it. What she told me to focus on is becoming pregnant because that’s something I’ve not dealt with, becoming a parent that will prove difficult so I should focus some attention on that. What amazing advice, she is an inspiration to me and her story is stunning and brings a tear to my eye the thought of what she’s been through. She also told me about some meditation and I purchased them and I am truly grateful for everything she told me to do.
Over two weeks went by and my Doctor was emailing me asking me to take a pregnancy test, I didn’t want to take a test. I went into BOOTS and stood by the test but I came over all light-headed and had to walk out the shop. In the end I had to ask my sister to buy the test for me because I couldn’t buy it. I still didn’t know when I would take it or if could bring myself to do it. Then one weekend I was away with my sisters and mum and I got woken up by a drunken girl banging on our hotel room door. Not sure why, she said she was lost. But afterwards I couldn’t get back to sleep. I decided it was time, if it was negative I have my sisters and mum around me. But Wham, Bam Thank you Mam!!! Yes it was positive. What I felt that morning was hysteria, my husband was 6000 miles away, and I couldn’t SKYPE him because the hotel WiFi wasn’t strong enough. I had thought in my head cute ways to tell him but when it came to it unfortunately all I could do was ‘whatsapp’ him. He said he had a tear in his eye and as I think of that moment now a tear comes to my eyes too. What a wonderful precious moment.
Time went by and I eventually came back to Singapore and the day I landed we went for our first scan. Baby was measured at 6 weeks and Doctor said he could detect a faint heartbeat, which is really early to find one. We were over the moon. Another two weeks went on and we had another appointment booked, unfortunately the symptoms I had been experiencing were subsiding, worry started to set in. Scan day and yes our worst thoughts were bought to life again. Our baby was measuring too small and a heartbeat was not detected. My Doctor explained that scans can be wrong so the best thing to do was do blood tests. We did so and waited two days. But on the Friday after the 8 week scan it was confirmed that I had miscarried at around 7 weeks and I needed to have an operation to evacuate my uterus. Flashbacks of three years ago came into my head. But this time I had my husband by my side, I had knowledge in my mind and I had a wonderful Doctor. This time I was prepared, as prepared as anyone can be for this to happen. We still have 6 embryos frozen and that has to be at the forefront of our minds. We still have a chance of this nightmare becoming a dream.
Unfortunately I am sitting her now with pains all around my stomach, feeling like a swollen beach ball, the IV has bruised my hand and it’s hard to type. I am one of those people that cannot give up and so although it’s taken me double the time to write this I think it’s important to share every detail. For those that are starting this journey, for those who have no idea about infertility but may know someone suffering, for others like my husband and I that are still living this nightmare and for those inspirational people like my colleague have lived through it and give advice to those that need it. I hope one day I can be an inspiration to others who are suffering and trying to find peace within a storm.
Although we have suffered loss, we had our baby our dream was real and we were immensely happy thinking about our future as a family. But that ended abruptly yesterday and the hard part is yes it ended but I also continue to suffer with the physical pains. I cannot go to the gym or continue with work as normal because I’m unwell. Sometimes I want to shout ‘Why me? It’s just so unfair!’ but why not me? Why should it be someone else? The thing that pulls me through this is hope in my heart that we still have 6 embryos and the fact that my husband is truly amazing, even after the operation yesterday and I was aching all over he made me laugh and smile inside out. Laughter is a wonderful healer.