What does IVF mean to me? It means my body has failed. It means that my husband and I are having to spend savings on procedures that are going to give us our dream when people all around us are getting that same dream overnight with no money spent or no procedures having to take place.
Sometimes I worry that I sound bitter about others fortune. I’ll be honest on occasions I have felt jealous. I was brought up a Christian and jealousy is known as a sin. But I am not going to beat myself up for feeling jealous about something that is completely out of my hands. Feeling jealous because someone has a nice car, work harder, save better and you can get that car. Feeling jealous because a girl looks better in her dress than you, go to the gym, eat healthily and you can have a good body too. But no matter how hard I work, save, go to the gym or eat well I still won’t get pregnant. So yes I allow myself to have jealous feelings occasionally. But never will they rule me, I will ensure the ones I feel jealous of don’t know and I will try everything I can to be thoughtful and kind to them, even when they are insensitive or unkind to me.
The definition above is very scientific and when I wake up early to inject myself with drugs I feel like I am a trained nurse. When I sit and listen to my doctors about the drugs and procedures I’m going to go through I feel I need a science degree to understand why they’re doing things. I feel that I am a statistic that my doctor will add to his list. None of this is natural or normal. But in my head I reassure myself that this journey that God has chosen for me is the path that will teach me great things.
So a few months ago my husband and I made the decision that IVF would be our next step. Suddenly in my head it was the end, it was the last straw, it was so expensive and more invasive. The morning of our appointment to start I was a nervous wreck. I was worried about if it didn’t work because when other treatments didn’t work there was always IVF but now this was what I considered to be the end of the road. We sat in the doctors’ office and my stomach was doing flips. I lay on the bed for the scan and BOOM! It all changed. My doctor found a cyst. We cannot do IVF yet. The solution was that I would need to take the contraceptive pill for a month. We left the doctors office and I cried and cried and cried. What was happening? Now I was upset because I couldn’t start IVF? But I was feeling so upset about starting it just an hour ago? It was so confusing, my poor husband.
God works in mysterious ways. I’ve heard this said so many times, I’ve even said it numerous times. And this is one particular occasion I can honestly say it and believe it fully. The cyst situation had made me realise how important IVF was to me and that IVF was what I truly wanted. The month on the pill (strange to think I was taking contraception when we were trying to create a baby) gave me time to think. I realised that I should not think about what might or might not happen and focus on what was happening and try to be positive with the situation I found myself in.
We are now two weeks into our ‘down regulation’ or the ‘long antagonist’ protocol. It means injecting myself with a drug that artificially puts my body through menopause. I get severe headaches, hot flushes, very sore eyes, nausea and extreme fatigue. Unfortunately I also get a little rash each time I inject into my stomach. I’m a teacher so these symptoms are hard to handle. I have to be 100% alert and energetic or my class of 6-7 year olds will eat me for breakfast. I’m also a perfectionist so I have to teach the best quality lessons I can every day or I’ll be really hard on myself.
My husband constantly says I’m too hard on myself, he says I need to take it easy, relax and take time for me. But I love my job and as I said before I’m a perfectionist so my way of coping is ‘chin up cupcake’, as my brother-in-law would say, get on with it. And each day when I inject and feel the itchy rash appear I think to myself ‘maybe I should take the day off?’ but I then think ‘no tomorrow you might feel worse and need that day off.’ I’m sure my husband knows I don’t let on how I’m truly feeling, I’ve never told anyone, until now. Writing it down on here doesn’t feel like I’m moaning or complaining so I feel OK about sharing it.
When I was growing up I was known as ‘misog’. I suffered with ear problems and rhinitis. I would feel ill a lot of the time and have headaches and earaches constantly. And I started to not tell my family how much pain I was in because I hated to be called ‘misog’. I was taught to think of others and consider my actions and words. I love my parents for what they taught me and I believe I’ve grown into a thoughtful, caring person because of it. However, it has also made me withhold how I’m truly feeling. My husband asks each day, what are your ailments and I’ll reply with what muscles are aching because of the gym work out the day before, he looks at me and says ‘what about the other stuff? The hormones?’ usually I reply with one or two minor things. I never let on how it really hurts or feels. He has recently come up with a new system I have to say how I’m feeling on a scale of 1-10.
As we continue on this IVF journey I have to admit at times I think what if this doesn’t work? My husband is looking for a job at present, so we haven’t got endless funds to put into this. We are comfortable and I thank God every day for the opportunities that have been given to us so we can afford this round. But I worry what if they extract my eggs and they’re not normal? What if my eggs are unable to be fertilized? Am I worrying too much? Am I too negative? How can I be more positive? If I sit and think ‘yes it will work’ am I not setting myself up for a big fall? Writing these thoughts down helps me to collate where this journey has led me so far and builds my strength for the next part. I hope my thoughts can provide people with some insight to what might be happening behind closed doors, when you say to someone ‘Hi, how are you?’ and they reply ‘Fine thanks, how are you?’ it might not be true so don’t judge them if they don’t engage in more conversation or if they seem miserable. Sometimes it’s OK to be a ‘misog’, allow yourself to be for some time in your day if you’re carrying a burden or feeling unwell. And try not to worry about what others think of you, God truly knows who you are and he is the only one that can judge,